Haydee

It's Haydee's fat ass.
This is a page dedicated to a game featuring big titty robot lady whom also has huge ass.

Look, you know why you're here; I know why you're here. I've been monitoring my website traffic since this thing came out, and I've been getting horny ne'er-do-wells streaming in ever since I made a page announcing that this was going to be available. I'm not even involved in its development and I've become a part of its community just by this fact alone. So I know why you're here: you wanna jerk off to a robot lady.

That's fine. Click here to go see the extensive list of outfits you can use in the game, as well as a link to the booru.

As for me, I'm going to be talking about the game. Which is strange, since it's not really a game: the 'game' portion of the package is more like a flimsy façade designed to get this game on Steam than it is anything else. To put it another way, Haydee is not a good game. It is not even a good porn 'game'.

Haydee is a 3D third-person-shooter survival horror puzzle game, with jumping puzzles. The game has Resident Evil 1 style controls. With jumping puzzles. With fucking jumping puzzles.

You have no idea how excited I was for this game. When I heard that Haydee was going to come out, I made a page dedicated just to announcing its imminent arrival, so that fellow like-minded degenerates could find it and experience it as well. After all, the game was advertised nearly entirely using the protagonist's sex appeal: Haydee is a cyborg lady with a big fat ass and huge flopping tits that move like a liquid. Haydee wears nylons, and high heels, because. Because.

Because somebody had a hard-on during the entire development of this game, that's why. Not that I mind porn games: I mean, almost daily I play Monmusu Quest and Forest of Blue Skin for exactly the reasons you'd assume. I'm not some prude who thinks that sex is dirty; I don't think that breasts and butts are that scandalous. But I do think that a porn game on Steam is really fuckin' weird.

A porn game on Steam would be fine in my eyes if it had some sort of real substance to it. But, as I just mentioned, this isn't even a good video game. Now, I'm biased: I'm pretty sure it's obvious by now, but I fucking hate this game. I hate this game; I hate its 'gameplay'; I hate that this thing even pretended to be a 'game'. It's a moddable third-person 'shooter' where you're not really going to be shooting much, seeing as the weapons are either hard to use or have very little ammo. It's as much a 'shooter' as any proper survival horror is. And perhaps that's by design, but, fucking jumping puzzles?

This is a game that has no real gameplay. I don't even know how that's possible. It's just a base human drive (fucking) used as an excuse to make an interactive program. Just like how Hatred fell apart after its gameplay couldn't justify its flimsy plot, or even the mere existence of the game— oh, look, I can shoot civilians, and I'm edgy! How novel!— there's not much to justify Haydee being called a game.

Here's the premise: you are a big-titty robot lady with a huge ass, and you climb and do jumping puzzles and get your shit wrecked by robots. Does that sound like fun to you if I remove the sex appeal? Because if you remove the sex appeal, the game fucking sucks.

I'll put it simply: Haydee is not a game. Haydee is a glorified model testing program for perverts. You can import new models for the characters, and walk them around so you can jerk off to them. That's all this 'game' is, save for some barebones Resident Evil 1 style gameplay, and jumping puzzles.

This is not a game that was designed for you to play and enjoy. This is a game designed for masturbation. If you don't look at the character and feel a tingle in your nethers— if your dick ain't hard already— there is nothing for you here. Even if you're a modder: the modding isn't even deep enough to produce any experience worth playing. Somebody remade fucking Resident Evil 1 in this thing and it still sucks.

And this is coming from someone who is horny 24/7/367. That's right, even on days that don't fucking exist. I think about women's bodies 99.97% of my waking life and even I think this game is a piece of shit.

A shot of Black Latex Haydee's ass.

The Trouble Begins

To even talk about the story is to spoil the ending, so let's not do that. Let's discuss the gameplay.

You are a big titty robot, complete with jiggle physics. For some reason, your butt does not jiggle, or even really move that realistically. Your breasts bounce around as if they're one gigantic water balloon.

Initially, the breast movement is quite titillating. (HA HA! THAT WASN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE A PUN!) But, the more you look at it— and, boy howdy, if you buy this game, you're gonna be examining it for a lot of hours— it's not really that great. The breasts don't move separately: they move as if they're invisibly tethered, which is really fucking goddamned unnerving. Here, check out this PornHub video. Go to about 2:48 in. Looks nice, doesn't it? Now realize that both bounce up at the same time, as if they're one impossibly-connected piece. Sucks, doesn't it?

And that's basically it. That is the game: it's bad bouncin' titties, the vidya. And that's not bad; it's not bad that Haydee is a porn game. It's not even bad that Haydee is a porn game on Steam. But, it often makes me wonder: just what the fuck is Valve's policy on porn games?

The mods for this game are nearly entirely porn. In-game, every ammo box has a voluptuous, completely buck-ass-naked woman on it. If the game can be on Steam just fine, and a bunch of nude mods are just fine— the fucking workshop has a mod where the enemies can be turned into voluptuous women with four-foot-long dongs— then what exactly is Valve's policy in general when it comes to porn games? Because, these days, I keep seeing games with absolutely no pornographic content get blindly banned, just because somebody working for Valve thinks the art looks like lolicon.

Haydee tends to remind me of the Dead or Alive series. There aren't a lot of people who play Dead or Alive for the gameplay: mostly, it's about playing with your virtual video game waifu. Haydee is the same kind of game, only— well, unlike Dead or Alive, there's nudity. Not to mention easily moddable nudity, with the mods to do so hosted by Valve.

I feel like everyone involved— the developers, Valve, and the players— are pretending that this is not a porn game.

On the Steam Workshop for Haydee, you can find over 500 mods, most of which have graphic nudity in them. Most of these mods have options for pubic hair. That's what I'm talking about. And yet Valve not only lets this sort of shit remain on their servers, but they seemingly randomly ban people who are posting it, while allowing the content to stay up. They put Haydee and its Workshop behind an age gate, but ban games that don't have any nudity in them because the art style creeps them out. I don't fucking understand.

In any case, enough digression. Let's talk about what Haydee does best: modding. Modding the game is relatively straightforward if you have any experience at all dealing with 3D models. If you have the tools and understanding necessary to work with models, you can produce your own Haydee 'outfit' fairly quickly. But if something goes wrong, and the mod you make doesn't work, you will never, ever fucking know why, because the game will never fucking tell you.

Want to get 'attacked' by voluptuous nude women with 4-foot-long dongs? Here you go, boss! Want to run around as Tatsumaki from One-Punch Man as voluptuous, nude women sans life-endingly huge penises clamor around you? Here, here, and here, my friend!

Want to know why a combination of mods don't fucking work? TOO BAD, ASSHOLE! Because the game doesn't fucking provide any sort of useful logs that you can analyze to find out what's conflicting with what!

Do you like waiting for 30 seconds to a minute for the game to load, only for the launcher to crash because a mod somehow didn't play nice with all the others you have installed? Then this game's for you!

A shot of Black Latex Haydee's ass. Claiming that the game is bad has nothing to do with the reality of the situation. The game isn't bad. It just is not a game.
Some friendly advice: install one mod at a time, and only try to combine it with maybe two mods at once. Because, the minute you install a bunch of mods, it doesn't matter if you uninstall them, the fucking game remains broken until you redownload part of it or validate it twice or more, or, worse, until you uninstall a bunch of mods that don't conflict at all when you re-enable them. I don't understand it; I don't want to understand it. All I know is this is way too much effort just to jerk off.

Here we encounter our worst problem: sometimes, just sometimes, mods don't work. And the reason some mods don't work is either that they just mysteriously do not seem to want to work— meaning that they sometimes will work, once you reinstall them all— or, Valve has banned one of the mods that other mods are dependent on, and you can never, ever, hope to manually install these dependencies.

So, to recap: mods where nearly all the characters have tits bigger than your head. Valve is pretending the game isn't porn, while banning mods for being pornographic, while holding the game behind an age gate. Makes sense to me, boss!

Tatsumaki holding a crossbow running from multiple naked Haydee bots.
Despite how it might sound, I'm not against porn games being on Steam. Hell, I don't think I'd mind too much if porn was actually 'allowed' on there: because it doesn't matter. 95% of all Steam chat is fucking ERP. Why would I care?

No, what I'm against is Valve trying to pretend that they're not selling a porn game, all while gimping the same fuckin' porn game. Because you motherfuckers know what this game is. Unless you're fuckin' blind, it's perfectly obvious what kind of 'game' this is.

Here: let's observe the standard, ordinary, unmodded gameplay, again.

Hmm! Surely this is a serious title where the gameplay is the main focus!

Haydee, standing.Yeah, this is fine.
I guess I should just come out and say it. Stop beating around the bush.

Haydee is the porn game equivalent of IKEA furniture. The game contains virtually no pornography, standard: the ammo boxes are about as close as you can get. No, the game is there for you to put your own porn on top of it.

This is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever seen. In Monmusu Quest, you don't have to import your own scenarios just to jerk off. In Forest of Blue Skin, you don't have to find gif animations that you can use for when you get 'caught'. Haydee is neither a good game nor a good porn game, but it provides all the things you need to make one. It's a framework for jerking off.

And even then, it's not even a very good one, because installing a bunch of mods is a frustrating experience where you receive absolutely no feedback as to what you're doing wrong when the game crashes. Haydee is a game where not even the allure of porn is enough to keep me playing. That's how bad troubleshooting the modding gets in this game.

Not that it stops anyone. Just check out the modding scene: Click here and go look at the top three videos. There are over 3 gigabytes of 'outfits', model replacements, for the game's main character, and each outfit weighs about 50mb or less.

That's a lot of porn.

Hilariously, the Haydee wiki claims that an original gameplay mechanic would have been for Haydee to remove all of her clothes, because the story demanded it. I seem to remember hearing this officially announced, but I can't find the source, so take that for what it's worth.

Haydee's ass, with fishnet stockings.
I'm just gonna be honest: I can't jack my big ol' dick off to this. I don't get aroused to anything where violence can be done to women, and this is a game with jiggle physics where most rooms have enemies that can straight fuckin' murder you.

In this respect, the game reminds me of a less-offensive version of Senran Kagura. In Senran Kagura, you beat the shit out of women so hard that their clothes explode, and they cry and you're supposed to jerk off to some part of this, I'm not sure how. In any case, in Haydee, the main character lady falls into a somewhat sexual position when she gets 'killed'. Thankfully, there's no gore: she just falls over. It's kind of silly, really, but I don't like the whole violence aspect to the game.

When you pair this with mods, you end up playing a game where you're shooting women in the tits or futanari ladies directly in their dicks. No thank you.

Also, why no ass physics? That's a massive disappointment.

In any case, to wrap this shit up: while Haydee is a very sexy character, her fuckin' game sucks. The only joy I get out of it is to load a new model into it and laugh at how out of place it looks, and that joy only lasts like five minutes.

The game's pretty sexy, but it ain't of sufficient quality where I could recommend it as either a game or a masturbation aid. It just doesn't cut it.

Haydee, standing.
Enough talk. I know what you're here for: the outfits.


Want to learn how to mod Haydee? Well, for models— and this is if you're using Blender— you should read this. If that post or the files ever go down, give me a ring at my e-mail and I'll re-upload the files you need to mod the game. The developers supposedly provide all you need if you use 3DSMax, but I've never seen any of that shit.

The developers saw fit to explain how you mod in new character models.

Toy Chica from FNaF in Haydee.
Troubleshooting

This shitfuck of a game won't open now!! The launcher keeps crashing!!

Uninstall mods one by one and see what the hell is causing it. Keep in mind that some mods will crash the game when uninstalled; some mods will make the game stop crashing when re-installed. Your best bet is enabling mods one by one, starting the game up each time you download a new mod. But even then, if the launcher starts crashing, you're pretty much fucked, because even if you remove the mod, it might still crash.

For the answer to all your problems, navigate to wherever the Hell your Steam library is, go to steamapps > workshop > content > 530890, and take all the mods you think are doing damage and put them in a big folder. It can be in the same folder; Steam isn't going to notice, just don't name them shit like numbers. Then try to restart the game: it'll work! Hooray! Then you can take them out piecemeal, and see which ones work or not.

I'm of the mind that Steam's modding interface, the 'workshop', is probably most at fault for how poor a modding experience Haydee is. There's no real support for showing what dependencies go where, or anything that can tell you what mods will conflict with each other.


Haydee's torso is invisible.

The mod you're using has a dependency (usually another mod) that you don't have installed. It is going to be difficult to impossible to install the mod you need, even if you find out which one it is that you need, because these mod dependencies oftentimes have multiple versions, and previous and future versions of any mod dependency usually don't work. You need to find the exact one, and put it exactly where it needs to be. And then, maybe it still won't work.


What the FUCK is wrong with the Muscle Haydee mod.

Lord I wish I knew.


This game sucks.

I know.
Haydee's 'Haydazzly' outfit.
💗 This article was created December 7th, 2018. It was written by Margaret Gel. Minor design and wording updates were done December 30th, 2018. A major navigation re-design was done, and a picture was added January 13th, 2019.