Haydee

It's Haydee's fat ass.
This page dedicated to big titty robot lady whom have huge ass.
Look, you know why you're here; I know why you're here: you wanna jerk off to a robot lady.

That's fine. Click here to go see the extensive list of outfits you can use in the game, as well as a link to the booru.

As for me, I'm going to be talking about the game. Let's make one thing perfectly clear: I fucking hate this game. But, to be perfectly honest with you, I don't enjoy hating this game, or anything else, anymore, really. But I do want to talk about the game, even if I hate it, because I find it both funny and interesting.

As far as I can tell, Haydee was, and is just a flimsy façade of a 'game', nearly entirely designed just to get porn on Steam. But then again, I don't know; maybe the developers felt some sort of pure passion behind this game. But, whatever they felt, it's pretty clear that their sex drives were, shall we say, informing the game's marketing.

My main problem with the game is it's not much of the game. To put it simply, there's not a lot to do in this game but change the models around and jerk off. And that's the thing: even though the game was marketed as being filled with tits and ass, it doesn't really deliver on its main function: that being, pornography.

Out of the box, Haydee is not good porn. A vanilla install of Haydee is slightly more appealing as pornography than Skyrim, certainly, but, just like Skyrim, you're not going to be able to jerk off to it without mods.

But let's talk about the game itself, first, before we get to that. On its face, Haydee is a 3D third-person-shooter mixed with survival horror, with Resident Evil 1 style tank controls, and jumping puzzles. Jumping puzzles, with tank controls.

That's not why I hate it, though. Ignoring gamebreaking bugs and awkward controls, I don't hate this game because it's exactly bad. My hatred of this game is born out of disappointment. Understand: I wanted to love this game. And please, also recognize that, even though I'm speaking of the game very poorly, I do recognize that I'm speaking about about someone else's creation. So, I want to say: I honestly do not want to hurt anyone's feelings as I talk about it, but I do want to express what I felt.

What I felt was a creeping disappointment that only got worse. Because— you have no idea how excited I was for this game. I, of course, was attracted nearly entirely by the protagonist's sex appeal. As the game was advertised nearly entirely using the protagonist's sex appeal, it's not difficult to see that it was sold on that 'merit'. As far as I can remember, up until at least a few days before its release, no one even really had an idea of the depths of gameplay that the title would offer. Turns out, those depths were pretty shallow.

Again, that's why I'm angry: the game is just softcore pornography, but it barely delivers on that. The marketing, to me, made it seem so hyped-up: like it was going to offer much more than what it actually delivered. But it didn't. What you see is what you get: Haydee, its titular protagonist, is a cyborg lady with a big fat ass and huge flopping tits that move like a liquid. Haydee wears nylons, and high heels, because. Because.

It becomes frustrating for me to think about this game because the game just seems like, to me, to be nothing but wasted potential. As an eroge or as a puzzle platformer, or a survival horror, or even as a third person shooter, Haydee does none of these things well. It seems like there was some sort of vision for this game, but, ultimately, the game is what it is. There are no synergies here: this game is exactly the sum of its parts, and nothing more.

By the wawy, I'm not at all against sexualized protagonists. Part of me finds them to be unnecessary, and even a little bit insulting to women, but, overall, I have no real strong opinion. However, when I think about Haydee, I realize that the game would completely fall apart if you replaced the protagonist with a non-sexualized character. Without Haydee's butt and bust, there is nothing else in this game to command your attention. And without the mods, there's nothing to really jerk off to.

The bottom line, for me, in my own humble opinion: without the protagonist's T&A, this game is just plain unenjoyable.

It's not that I hate porn games, either. I love Monmusu Quest and Forest of Blue Skin for exactly the reasons you'd suspect. It's just that, Haydee does not have any sort of real substance as an eroge. Of all the eroge I can think of, Haydee matches none of them very well, save for alphas and demos that have no sex scenes at all. And like with those, in Haydee, there's nothing there.

None of the gameplay mechanics are particularly enjoyable. Haydee is a moddable third-person 'shooter' where you're not really going to be shooting that much. It's a puzzle game where you have no real impetus to solve puzzles. In Resident Evil and Silent Hill, you want to get to the end, and so is the same in Haydee... but, there's not even much of a story to guide you. For me, that's unsatisfying.

Speaking of survival horror, this isn't a very scary game. Not to mention that there's not even any enemy variety: there are two enemy types, one slow, one fast. You avoid the slow, and try to avoid the fast, but that second one is easier said than done. If you elect to kill either enemy type, they don't really do anything interesting when they die. So that's disappointing.

I like shooting things in video games. When I don't get to schüt, I am sad. But, perhaps that's the point of it in this game: it is survival horror, after all. So maybe shooting wasn't the point. But— at least Silent Hill and Resident Evil had entertaining enemy death animations. Who doesn't love headsplosions?

All-in-all, Haydee feels like, to me, one of those games with no real gameplay. A proof-of-concept demo masquerading as a game? Not quite; there's some sort of substance here, as the level design is genuinely sprawling, but I didn't find anything compelling that kept me playing.

Haydee reminds me of Hatred. Just like how Hatred fell apart after its gameplay couldn't justify its plot, Haydee doesn't provide much in the way of gameplay to justify its plot. As an eroge, it provides nothing of real substance, and its main draw is that it has a curvaceous woman, bouncing around. You can find that on the Internet, for free, and most of the 3D models of said women are at least simulating sex.

Haydee isn't really that much of a game. At best, it's the base human drive to fuck turned into a sandbox that you can shove models into, to watch them bounce around. There are pixel art sprite games that provide more pornographic content than this thing.

Thinking back on how I wrote about this before, I don't really enjoy being that hateful anymore. So I want to say, I love the idea of Haydee: it's just that the execution is, I feel, severely lacking. There could be so much more here, but there isn't.

Haydee definitely deserves to exist. I just kind of wish that I wouldn't have been so excited for it, because it is utterly disappointing.

If you're looking for some sort of hidden depth to this game, none exists. Just like with Monmusu Quest, if you're looking for gameplay, it's not there.

Somebody even remade Resident Evil 1 in this thing and it's still not fun for me to play.

A shot of Black Latex Haydee's ass.

The Trouble Begins

So here's the premise of the game: you're a big-titty robot lady with a huge ass, and you climb and do jumping puzzles and get your shit wrecked by robots. Most of the 'game's utility is importing new models in and walking around so you can jerk off to them.

I think what bothers me the most about Haydee is that it fails to get one very important thing right: jiggle physics. They're not great. Also, there's no butt jiggle, which seems like a simply tremendous oversight.

Anyway, your breasts move around like they're one gigantic, attached water balloon. Initially you might not see the problem with this, but it's easy to explain. In real life, breasts move separately; in Haydee, they move as if they're invisibly tethered to each other, no matter what you do. Here, check out this PornHub video. Go to about 2:48 in. Looks nice, doesn't it? Now realize that both bounce up at the same time, as if they're one impossibly-connected piece.

Besides the jiggle 'physics'— it doesn't seem to actually be physics, it looks more like just the same static animation— there's a story. The story is, you're a robot lady, and you need to get to the end of the game to understand why you're there. Compelling.

And that's basically it. That is the game: it's bad bouncin' titties, the vidya.

Valve doesn't seem to know what it wants when it comes to pornographic or 'adult' content on their store. Because, the game's Workshop is held behind an age gate, because the mods for this game are nearly entirely porn, and yet Valve still occasionally bans people for posting mods. And yet it lets the same people re-upload the mods, and nothing happens. I don't understand this: some of the mods aren't even that much worse than things in the game, such as the ammo boxes, with voluptuous, completely buck-ass-naked women on them.

Haydee is a game that has the main purpose of titillating, and yet, it likes to pretend that's not what it's for. It reminds me of the Dead or Alive series in this regard. Some people play both for the gameplay, but most people use these games to play with virtual dolls of women. With Dead or Alive, the appeal is putting your waifu in different bikinis. With Haydee, it's modding your waifu to have a giant, angry pen0r.

Y'know, quite honestly, I feel like everyone involved— the developers, Valve, and the players— are pretending that this is not a porn game. And that's kind of funny to me, but, I also no longer give a shit. I just think it's funny that a game on Steam has over 500 nude mods for it, hosted by Valve.

Ah, yes: modding. Interestingly enough, modding the game is relatively straightforward if you have any experience at all dealing with 3D models. If you have the tools and understanding necessary to work with models, you can produce your own Haydee 'outfit' fairly quickly. But if something goes wrong, and the mod you make doesn't work, you will never, ever fucking know why, because the game will never fucking tell you.

Like with a lot of games, the mods are the most fun part. Nearly all the mods are hilariously bizarre in their execution, and any combination of even just two of them produce fever-dream-style porn sequences.

What's your pleasure, sir? Want to get 'attacked' by voluptuous nude women with 4-foot-long dongs? Here you go, boss! Want to run around as Tatsumaki from One-Punch Man as voluptuous, nude women sans life-endingly huge penises clamor around you? Here, here, and here, my friend!

Want to know why a combination of mods don't fucking work? Well too fuckin' bad because the game doesn't fucking provide any sort of useful logs that you can analyze to find out what's conflicting with what!

Do you like waiting for 30 seconds to a minute for the game to load, only for the launcher to crash because a mod somehow didn't play nice with all the others you have installed? Do you like for the game to produce multiple copies of the same hefty mods, taking up valuable space? Do you enjoy spending more time fucking around with the game than fucking around with yourself, to the game? Then this game's for you!

A shot of Black Latex Haydee's ass. I should've known something was fucky when spare women were hanging on the wall.
Some friendly advice: install one mod at a time, and only try to combine it with maybe two mods at once. Because, the minute you install a bunch of mods, it doesn't matter if you uninstall them, the fucking game remains broken until you redownload part of it or validate it twice or more, or, worse, until you uninstall a bunch of mods that don't conflict at all when you re-enable them. I don't understand it; I don't want to understand it. All I know is this is way too much effort just to jerk off.

Here we encounter our worst problem: sometimes, just sometimes, mods don't work. And the reason some mods don't work is either that they just mysteriously do not seem to want to work— meaning that they sometimes will work, once you reinstall them all— or, Valve has banned one of the mods that other mods are dependent on, and you can never, ever, hope to manually install these dependencies.

So, to recap: mods where nearly all the characters have tits bigger than your head. Valve is pretending the game isn't porn, while banning mods for being pornographic, while holding the game behind an age gate. Makes sense to me, boss!

Tatsumaki holding a crossbow running from multiple naked Haydee bots.
Despite how it may sound, I'm not against porn games being on Steam. Hell, I don't think I'd mind too much if porn was actually officially 'allowed' on there: because it doesn't matter. 95% of all Steam chat is fucking ERP. Why should I care?

I just think it's fuckin' bizarre that Valve is trying to pretend that they're not selling a porn game, all while randomly banning all the porn mods for said porn game. Because they definitely know what this game is: they just don't seem to want to admit to what they're doing.

I mean, look: it's pretty obvious. Just look at this standard, ordinary, unmodded gameplay, again.

Hmm! Yes, of course: there is nothing at all salacious about this title. No sir, no sir! Surely this is a serious title where the gameplay is the main focus!

Haydee, standing.Yeah, this is fine.
I guess I should just come out and say it. Stop beating around the bush.

Haydee is the porn game equivalent of IKEA furniture. The game contains virtually no pornography, standard: the ammo boxes are about as close as you can get. No, the game is there for you to put your own porn on top of it.

And that just irritates me, because it's the 'batteries not included' form of eroge. I don't think I've ever seen any other eroge that was this incomplete in its stated function. Even Big Rigs was fucking hilarious, but Haydee doesn't even provide anything in the way of fun.

I mean, think of other porn games. In Monmusu Quest, you don't have to import your own scenarios just to jerk off. In Forest of Blue Skin, you don't have to find gif animations that you can use for when you get 'caught'. Haydee is neither a good game nor a good porn game, but it provides all the things you need to make one. It's a framework for jerking off.

And even then, it's not even a very good one, because installing a bunch of mods is a frustrating experience where you receive absolutely no feedback as to what you're doing wrong when the game crashes. Haydee is a game where not even the allure of porn is enough to keep me playing. That's how bad troubleshooting the modding gets in this game.

Not that it stops anyone. Just check out the modding scene: Click here and go look at the Deleted Outfit videos. There are over 3 gigabytes of 'outfits', model replacements, for the game's main character, and each outfit weighs about 50mb or less.

That's a lot of porn. And, to be honest, it's pretty much the game's main reason for existing.

Hilariously, the Haydee wiki claims that an original gameplay mechanic would have been for Haydee to remove all of her clothes, because the story demanded it. I seem to remember hearing this officially announced, but I can't find the source, so take that for what it's worth. In any case, what this means is, the only gameplay mechanic that would've actually satisfied the game's purpose originally was removed. How droll.

Haydee's ass, with fishnet stockings.
I'm just gonna be honest: I can't jack my big ol' dick off to this. I don't get aroused to anything where violence can be done to women, and this is a game with jiggle physics where most rooms have enemies that can straight fuckin' murder you.

In this respect, the game reminds me of a less-offensive version of Senran Kagura. In Senran Kagura, you beat the shit out of women so hard that their clothes explode, and they cry and you're supposed to jerk off to some part of this, I'm not sure how. In Haydee, the main character lady falls into a somewhat sexual position when she gets 'killed'. Thankfully, there's no gore: she just falls over. It's kind of silly, really, but I don't like the whole violence aspect to the game.

When you pair this with mods, you end up playing a game where you're shooting women in the tits or futanari ladies directly in their dicks. No thank you.

Also, again, why no ass physics? That's a massive disappointment.

In any case, to wrap this shit up: while Haydee is good as a character, her game is not up to snuff. The only joy I get out of it is to load a new model into it and laugh at how out of place it looks, and that joy only lasts like five minutes.

The game's pretty sexy, but it ain't of sufficient quality where I could recommend it as either a game or a masturbation aid. It just doesn't cut it.

Haydee, standing.
Enough talk. I know what you're here for: the outfits.


Want to learn how to mod Haydee? Well, for models— and this is if you're using Blender— you should read this. The developers supposedly provide all you need if you use 3DSMax, but I've never seen any of that shit.

The developers saw fit to explain how you mod in new character models.

Toy Chica from FNaF in Haydee.
Troubleshooting

This shitfuck of a game won't open now!! The launcher keeps crashing!!

Uninstall mods one by one and see what the hell is causing it. Keep in mind that some mods will crash the game when uninstalled; some mods will make the game stop crashing when re-installed. Your best bet is enabling mods one by one, starting the game up each time you download a new mod. But even then, if the launcher starts crashing, you're pretty much fucked, because even if you remove the mod, it might still crash.

For the answer to all your problems, navigate to wherever the Hell your Steam library is, go to steamapps > workshop > content > 530890, and take all the mods you think are doing damage and put them in a big folder. It can be in the same folder; Steam isn't going to notice, just don't name them shit like numbers. Then try to restart the game: it'll work! Hooray! Then you can take them out piecemeal, and see which ones work or not.

I'm of the mind that Steam's modding interface, the 'workshop', is probably most at fault for how poor a modding experience Haydee is. There's no real support for showing what dependencies go where, or anything that can tell you what mods will conflict with each other.


Haydee's torso is invisible.

The mod you're using has a dependency (usually another mod) that you don't have installed. It is going to be difficult to impossible to install the mod you need, even if you find out which one it is that you need, because these mod dependencies oftentimes have multiple versions, and previous and future versions of any mod dependency usually don't work. You need to find the exact one, and put it exactly where it needs to be. And then, maybe it still won't work.


What the FUCK is wrong with the Muscle Haydee mod.

Lord I wish I knew.


This game sucks.

I know.
Haydee's 'Haydazzly' outfit.
💗 This article was created December 7th, 2018. It was written by Margaret Gel. Minor design and wording updates were done December 30th, 2018. A major navigation re-design was done, and a picture was added January 13th, 2019. It was nearly-completely rewritten on May 13th, 2019, to remove an offensive, hateful tone.